How to Ues This Machine Funny

The best thing about time machines ...

... is that you can buy it used and sell it new.

Bag Boy

This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is really excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.The manager says no. The bagger says, "But I've been working here for five years. Why can't I run the juice machines?" The manager answers, "I'm sorry, son, but baggers can't be juicers."

How can you always break even at the casino?

Play the change machines.

U.S. vending machines to begin displaying calorie information to encourage smarter snack choices.

Machines' reflective glass surface not doing the trick.

My friend composes lyrics about sewing machines.

She's a Singer songwriter.

We don't serve time machines

A Time machine walks into a bar

Vending machines are so homophobic

Like, I'm sorry my dollar bill wasn't straight enough for you.

Vending machines kill more people every year than sharks

Obviously, how's a vending machine going to kill a shark?

An Apple store got robbed last night and $250,000 worth of equipment was stolen.

Police are confident they can recover both the stolen machines.

Clinton, Sanders, Trump and Cruz are having lunch together...

and they're discussing why each thinks they'll win.
"I have the support of women and minorities" says Clinton. "I have the support of intellectuals" says Sanders "I have the support of the average american tired of politics as usual" says Trump.
Cruz just smiles..."I have the support of the people in charge of programming the electronic voting machines"

Bill Clinton takes a dress to the dry cleaners...

He asks the laundress to get a stain out of the dress, but she doesn't quite hear him with the machines running.

"Come again?" she says.

"Actually, it's mustard this time."

You can explore machines settings reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean machines humorless dad jokes. There are also machines puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Falling vending machines kill more people per year than sharks.

I've never even seen a shark near a vending machine.

What's black and steals your change?

Vending machines.

Dogs can't operate an Mri machines...

But catscan

What is the difference between women and washing machines?

Washing machines don't follow you around for weeks after you drop a load in them.

Whats the difference between a Jew and a vending machine?

What's the difference between a Jew and a vending machine?

Vending machines give you your change back.

George Soros is a big reason im voting for Hillary!

His voting machines didn't really give me a choice.

Gambling in Vegas

My friend came back from Las Vegas once. He told me the slot machines are easy to win big at. He went to town in a $20,000 Nissan, left in a $360,000 Porsche.

I thought "nice, I'm going to get in on that." So I left for Vegas in my $30,000 Toyota. Came back in a $800,000 vehicle.

A Greyhound bus.

The penny making machine at the US mint stopped working the other day....

The director of the mint himself came to the machines engineer to ask him what the problem was.

"I can't figure it out!" exclaimed the puzzled engineer. "It doesn't make cents!!"

(Best told in person)

Why do cats make better medical technicians than dogs?

Because dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan.

After years of research, scientists have concluded that dogs cannot use MRI machines.

But catscan.

A muslim man came into my shop and bought six smoke machines, so I phoned the police..

He's probably part of an extreme mist group

Only been going to the gym a week

And already hitting the max weight on one of the machines.

Shame it's the scales

Why are banknote printing machines absurd?

Because they make no cents

You know why washing machines are so good at what they do?

Because all they do is rinse and repeat.

Prostitutes and slot machines are sorta alike...

They're fun to play with until they take all of your money

I went to the local gym.

And asked the manager which one of these machines should I work out on to attract me a woman the fastest.

He pointed over at the ATM!

I don't understand ATM machines.

They just don't make cents.

Did you know sharks kill more people than vending machines?

I don't think a shark has ever killed a vending machine.

The year is 2017.

There are machines which can look through skin and see bones. There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped. There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit. However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my arsehole and wriggles it about a bit.

Lie detector

Matt is talking to his friend Paul in the bar and asks him have you ever seen one of those lie detector machines on t.v? They can tell when you're telling the truth or not

Paul exclaims Seen one? I'm married to one!

All these youngsters with their DDoS-attacks

Back in my day we just hurled a bunch of fax machines through someone's window

What do goths and the KKK have in common?

They don't have to worry about mixing darks and lights in their washing machines.

I wish our Congress was made up of vending machines

So they would accept change

In a world controlled by AI and machines, two satellites decide to get married...

...Well the wedding wasn't too romantic but that reception was amazing!

There's been a local bloke called Carl going around breaking into people's houses for months...

The Police couldn't catch him. The weird thing is he was breaking into people's houses just to ruin their washing machines by putting bricks in them and turning them on!

Anyway, just heard that he was found dead in an alleyway because of a drug overdose... now it's never nice hearing of a death but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Carl gone

A new line of Samsung washing machines was launched today

16 injured

Why are pulleys despised by all other simple machines?

The have to be the center of a tension.

Prostitutes are like really expensive arcade machines...

As long as you keep paying, you can keep playing.

I learned recently that people aren't hospitable to water dispensing machines...

Just let that sink in.

The factory of the future will have only two employees...

...the man and the dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man away from the machines.

I was going to tell a hilarious joke about those automated teller machines

But I really can't think of one atm...

Why do arcades never put pac-man machines together?

Because papparazzi would crowd them and say:"Hey look! Its tupac, man!

I have hundreds of jokes about cash machines

I just can't think of one atm

Speaking of PET scans, did you guys hear about the new law they passed in Oregon where dogs can no longer operate MRI machines?

Apparently cats can.

In court, a woman asks for custody of her daughter.

Woman claims that she gone through pain by giving birth to her daughter to bring her to this world therefore she should obtain the custody.

Then the judge asks the man for an argument why he should obtain the custody of his daughter.

The man said: "Judge, if you insert a coin into a vending machine and get a bottle of Coke, to whom does the bottle belongs?

Vending machines or yours?

Why do tennis players love vending machines?

Because they don't have to wait to for their food to be served.

Why was 1000 afraid of 0111

0111
1000
1001

I hope this joke gains traction when machines takes over the world

Why should you always trust fax machines?

Cuz they be straight up spitting fax all the time

A guy tells his friend he doesn't know much about cloning machines

His friend replies, "Well that makes two of us."

dogs aren't smart enough to operate mri machines

but catscan

Did you hear how there's a national coin shortage?

The U.S. Mint's production of about 1 billion coins per month has been slowed due to COVID-19 safety precautions for the workers.

The good news is that they've overcome the bottlenecks and will be overclocking their machines for increased production. They plan on averaging 1.65 billion coins per month for the rest of the year 2020.

So I guess you could say the coins will return next quarter.

Bill Clinton brings a dress to the dry cleaning

He asks "Anything you need to know?", but since it's loud from all the machines running, the worker doesn't understand him and asks "Come again?"

"No", said Clinton, "Tomato juice this time"

Among all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.

It's always at the centre of a tension.

My friend writes songs about sewing machines...

Yes...He's a Singer songwriter....or sew it seams !!

I have a friend who writes ballads about antique sewing machines...

He's a Singer songwriter it seams...

I just saw a sketchy guy buying a bunch of smoke machines, so I called the cops.

He must be a part of some extreme mist group.

My friend composes songs about sewing machines.

He's a Singer songwriter or sew it seams. (Don't hate me.)

My friend writes songs about sewing machines.

He's a Singer song writer.

I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines

So there's a singer/songwriter... or sew it seams.

My friend writes songs about sewing machines.

He's a singer songwriter or sew it seams.

Ashli Babbitt and Kevin Greeson die and go the Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates they see God who tells them he will answer any question. They look at each other and ask, "Who won the 2020 election?"

Exasperated, God responds, "Oh for the love of...! Biden! Biden won the presidency in a free and fair election! There was no grand conspiracy. The machines weren't hacked. The hand recounts were accurate. Just go into Heaven, you're already ticking me off!"

As they walk through the gates Babbitt and Greeson look at each other and say, "this goes up a lot higher than we thought."

The government has developed machines that will pick litter up from the beach.

I saw one the other day, but unfortunately it was malfunctioning and was grabbing birds off the shoreline instead.

I thought "Well, that took a tern."

My family's favorite drummer jokes.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they have machines for that now.

What did the drummer say before he was kicked out of the band?

Hey, I thought I'd share some song ideas I've written.

How do you count drummers?

1, 2 ... 1, 2, 3, 4.

A new experimental punishment for child molesters involves chaining them to electricity-producing machines and having them work 24/7

Researcers hope to be able to generate multiple pedowatts of power.

My old office finally threw away those old printing machines and bought new ones.

I couldn't give a fax anymore.

What do you call someone who hates using fax machines?

Anti-Faxer

Slots

A woman is on vacation in Las Vegas, playing the slot machines. It's her first time in a casino, so she asks a casino employee, "How does this work?" The worker shows her how to insert a bill, how to hit the spin button, and to operate the machine's release handle. "And where does the money come out?" the woman asks.

The casino employee smiles, motions to the far wall, and says, "Usually at the ATM."

I've got a friend who writes songs about sewing machines.

He's a singer songwriter.

I read that machines will be smarter than humans.

Hell, I already have screw drivers that are smarter than some humans.

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